Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
