She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
