she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
