Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
