All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
