Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Randomize
