you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
