Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
