I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
