opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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