Too much gin, very little bucket
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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