How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
