he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
