How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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