I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
