how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
