dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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