Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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