My nipple is on Facebook.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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