are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
