ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
