you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
