I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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