that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
