I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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