I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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