I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
