Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
