I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
