the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
