the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
