i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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