so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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