Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
