this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
