No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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