Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
