gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
