awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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