Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
