i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
