pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
