i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
