I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
