It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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