I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
