Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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