my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
