My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
