if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
