I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
